At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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