He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
