Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
