The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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