i barfeds in our rink
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
