I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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