i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
