Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
