feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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