Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
