so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd cum for enchiladas.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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