i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
we should paint friendship bongs
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