i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
