Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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