Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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