I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So squirting runs in the family.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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