For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
