I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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