My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
