I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
