Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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