It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
