Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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