Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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