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Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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