my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Of course I have a pirate flag
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
