I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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