She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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