Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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