He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
