I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We have started to decorate penises.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
