I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it was like eating out sand paper
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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