I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
