I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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