Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
