1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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