Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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