She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
