who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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