I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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