i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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