we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
