One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
