I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
