god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
