She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
