I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
