Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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