the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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