I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
