Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
