So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
