Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
