Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
