I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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